Beowulf

Let’s talk Robert Zemeckis’ Beowulf, the movie based on the English epic poem, circa 700 A.D.

Ray Winstone steps up as our mighty hero, boasting his way through battles, earning clout with half-truths. When Grendel (Crispin Glover spittin’ Old English) wreaks havoc at Hrothgar’s (Anthony Hopkins) hall, in comes Beowulf, strutting, sneering at the sleazy Unferth (John Malkovich), and tackling the monster.

How many monsters must I slay? Grendel’s mother, father, Grendel’s uncle? Must I hack down a whole family tree of demons?

True to the original poem, right? Not quite. Neil Gaiman and Roger Avary twist the tale when Beowulf pays a visit to Grendel’s mom (Angelina Jolie, dripping in gold). Forget fighting — she’s all about seduction over swords.

Heroism and myth are explored, but the writing takes a hit from weird animation. Faces on CGI bodies? Looks fine till they move — then it’s plastic puppet city. Zemeckis’ virtual camera is hyperactive, catching angles that look alien.

First time I saw Beowulf? Eye-rolls and groans. But round two? Surprisingly fun.